I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
