Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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