just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
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