And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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