Even the bartender felt bad for me
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
