I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Randomize
