I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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