I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
