Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
