I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
