Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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