My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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