Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
