after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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