My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize