New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
