I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
