There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
