apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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