so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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