I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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