I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
That's when you crack a 10am beer
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
