he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
