is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
