Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize