Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
