My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
