Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
