Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
