I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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