i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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