Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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