You just made me feel so damn special
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Randomize