also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
