i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
we're so committed to being not committed
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize