I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
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