You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
