Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Can you bring me the toilet please
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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