I don't usually arrange sex via text message
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
