Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
