I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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