I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
