It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
