i don't like sucking hair
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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