How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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