I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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