So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
