He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
