when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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