and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
