How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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