i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize