My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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