oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Im part way to drunk.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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