Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
