I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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