i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
