arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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