I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
