And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Let's paint friendship bongs
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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