My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
