I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Randomize
